Catalogued Maladies

It should not have to be stated, but if you are going to visit a child under five years old (60 months…parents LOVE counting in months…I don’t get it either), then you should be of sound mind and body.  However, as this is not always the case, I have composed something that may help.  Feel free to replicate, circulate and decorate your abode with this handy checklist:


Directions:  Please circle any and all of the following that pertain to you and your situation.  Don’t lie.  Liars are the worst.
Secondary Instructions:  If any of these statements are circled are marked, you are NOT healthy enough to visit our child.  Please vacate the premises and return when you are not disease ridden.
Tertiary Guidelines:  If all there are no marks on this page, then WELCOME to our home!  You ARE healthy enough to visit our child.

   I have had a cold in the past week.
   I have had the flu in the past week.
   I have been hospitalized with SARS and/or Monkey Pox in the last week.
   I have a sneeze that I think is allergies.
   Seriously, it is allergies.
   I don’t think I have a cold.
   Is that pollen?
   I like to cough on other people.
   Sometimes I cover my mouth when I cough.
   I think my cough is allergies.
   Everyone in my house is sick, but I do not carry any germs.
   I have been to Latin America in the past month.
   My doctors said it is probably not strep throat.
   My eyes are watering because your baby is so cute…and I have allergies.
   I do not have scabies; it is eczema.
   I had to get out of the house-the kids had some weird parasite.
   I don’t have a parasite.
   My parasite might be allergies.
   I have taken antibiotics and I am no longer contagious.
   The doctor said I should stay in bed, but I had to see the baby.
   I have a runny nose, but it is just sinus trouble.
   It has been running for a week.
   My runny nose has been attributed to allergies.
   Do I smell ragweed?
   I have chickenpox.
   My child has chickenpox.
   I already had chickenpox.
   I work with rats, but they do not carry the plague (bubonic or otherwise).
   I have malaria.
   I enjoy the itchy burn of mosquito bites.
   That foam you see around my mouth is not rabies…I’m allergic to bat bites.
   My eyes are red from contact lenses.
   I do not have pinkeye.
   I had pinkeye, was treated, but took the day off because I just didn’t feel right.
   I have thrown up in the past week.
   I am nauseated.
   My vomit was an allergic reaction to my allergies.
   I have been poisoned by food.
   I swear I have no infections.


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